It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Boobs speak an international language.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
