I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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