tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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