i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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