Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
