So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
