I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Operation Purity has been aborted
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
