What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
