I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
