i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
