I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I met the friendliest cop last night
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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