is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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