i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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