If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Randomize
