the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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