god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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