turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We need to rekindle our bromance
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
