he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If I die, sorry about rent.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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