I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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