Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
