He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
