Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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