I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
