dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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