he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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