o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
