got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
