Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
