I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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