i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
