i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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