you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
