...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
