After last night, I could never be a politician.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
