I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
