it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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