I could make wine with my vomit
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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