Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
