I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
