It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
