the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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