I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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