Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I did not marry a roomba.
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