if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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