the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
