just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
please come you make the beer taste better
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
