hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
