I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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