You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
