You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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