Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
