yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
